Loving Life and Living Love

Dear everyone,

Fantastic, wonderful, inspiring, loving, exciting, enthusiastic people you are… and I’m very grateful to have met many more of you, who I can now call my friends. Many of these new friends were very brave: they tried to speak some Dutch, repeated the words I was saying, tried very hard to pronounce my name ‘right’ and… bakten er niets van! Meaning: thank you for trying, thank you for the good laughs and thank you for inventing so many wonderful ways to say my name :)
Since some of them indicated they would like to read my blog too, I decided to start writing in English from now on. I hope this is ok for all you lovely Dutchies… I think it would otherwise become a crazy Denglish blog anyway ;)

Love: accepting, feeling alive, unconditional, wanting the (their!) best for other person, being useful to others, appreciation, gratitude, trust, honesty (authenticity), light, warmth, happiness, joy.

Although love is something I believe to be impossible to capture in words, I think this definition is a very very good attempt. To me, love is the core of life. It is what I’ve been looking at the most during my time here at Option, exploring, expanding, immersing, growing, allowing… The definition above came into being during a volunteer class last week and I’ll get back to it, back to love… like we always do :)

Since my time here at Option is coming to an end, I’d like to share some of the things I’ve learned with you. Most of you probably don’t know that much about Option, so let me outline this for you first:
Basically, Option’s underlying message is “everything is make belief”. The way you see and evaluate the world, the framework (perspectives/vision) you use, the -cultural/religious- standards and values you live by… all of it is ‘make belief’. Some say they’re all different ways of looking at the truth/different ‘make-ups’ about the truth, I personally believe there is not one truth. Option’s philosophy is just another make belief framework, offering yet another vision of the world, other tools and other beliefs to live by... It’s totally up to ourselves if we take on (some of) these. By reading “Happiness is a Choice” (by Barry Neil Kaufman) I found out that Option integrated many perspectives and ideas that I had already gathered throughout the years. Excited to learn more about Option and myself, I dedicated myself to “self-studentship” as much as I could these past two months. This ‘Option-term’ refers to the process of exploring yourself: increasing your (self-)awareness (what am I thinking, what am I feeling, what am I doing), acknowledging/taking ownership for the things you become aware of, accepting them, understanding them (by dialoguing about it for example) and then… changing them! (if you want to of course :) )

In my previous blog I described what the Dialogue Process implies. During January I took the opportunity to realize some extra dialogues for myself, next to the scheduled ones, by boldly jumping on the certified and yet-to-be-certified mentors ;) thanks to their willingness and enthusiasm for doing extra dialogues, I used the time and questions to work through a looooot of stuff.
We also had many volunteer classes that were really amazing, valuable, intense, playful, fun and insightful! By talking and discussing about many different theme’s and issues, and by doing awesome exercises (excuse me: “activities” ;)), we took the opportunity to get specific on how to apply and integrate all the ‘lessons’ and concepts of the Option Process philosophy in our lives.
And just as important, if not more, were the talking, sharing, exploring, loving, crying and laughing with my fellow volunteers! I’ll tell you some more about them later, ‘cause they were freaking awesome! :) In case you can’t wait that long (since I’m still the wonderful long-winded person as before) here’s a quick introduction to all my beautiful new friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvzDcY-NvBI (manymany thanks to Liv, who made the movie with our pictures!!!). You can also find some more pictures here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=266323&id=655901104&l=ba36bc5030

Ok… so… BELIEFS. That’s what these crazy folks here at Option talk about all day. Last time I talked about the model the Option Process is based on: S (stimulus) à B (belief) à R (response).
To give you a better clue of what they mean by Beliefs:
> A belief is a conclusion about the Stimulus (anything you pay attention to, within yourself as well as outside of yourself) in relation to yourself.

To go with the example I gave in my previous blog: people that blush (Response) when speaking to a group of people, might think (Belief) that it’s scary to talk to many people at the same time; or that it will be bad for them when people judge them about how/what they talk about.
There are different kinds of beliefs, the most well known are:
- Judgments: placing a value on your belief (conclusion/thought), something is good/bad, right/wrong
- Assumptions: any belief about what another person might thing, feel, want (invullen voor ander)
- Futurizing: any belief about something in the future (what might happen, how you might feel)

I’ve been exploring and looking at my beliefs by dialoguing about things that were bothering me, things that I made myself feel unhappy and uncomfortable about. This could be anything from a little irritation about something that happened that day or talking about pie ;), to a big self-judgment. This exploration process (mainly repetitively asking ‘Why-questions’) affirmed for me the understanding that, if you ‘dig’ deep enough, any form of unhappiness will always come down to a ‘shortage’ of self-love and -acceptance. This may sound a bit ‘severe’, but the cool thing is that it doesn’t have to be something ‘heavy’ to look at and deal with! I experienced that by talking, by getting to the roots and reasons of why we have certain beliefs, and by exploring in a safe environment (e.g. dialogues), ‘big issues’ about self-confidence, self-worth etc become less pressured, more clear and even ‘solvable’. I found out I can make new decisions, create new beliefs and new perspectives, also on a fundamental level!

By unraveling my belief networks, I’m became much more aware of what I’m thinking, feeling and doing and understanding why I do what I do. I found out that it is no longer serving me to hold on to some old beliefs, creating some ‘old habits’. For example, I found out that I used self-judgments in many more forms and situations than I was aware of before, creating lots of unhappiness for myself by doing so (“I’m stupid for not being able to do this/I did bad/I’m not worthy of this/I can’t do this/I feel sorry for myself”). I used the judgments about myself (and others) because I believed them to be useful: I believed they were motivating and reminding me to do things differently, to ‘do better’, or to try making others do something different (so as a result I could feel better).

What I realized is that judging myself is not motivating me to change (faster). I’m actually disempowering myself by not taking ownership/responsibility for what I’m doing: I’m not allowing myself to really look at what it is I’m thinking/feeling/doing, let alone change it, because I’m too busy judging myself and making myself feel uncomfortable.
I explored new ways of dealing with things… what would happen if I did accept having certain thoughts/feelings/ways of doing things? Would I still change them if I don’t judge them? Would I still be as motivated to reach my goals if I don’t ‘remind’ myself with self-judgments? My answer now is: YES! I trust that I’ll still make changes when I accept things, because I want to change them. Actually, by accepting myself for the things I already can do and the things I still want to improve, I can change them much faster, with much more clarity and while feeling comfortable.

Of course, all this does take practice… or as they would say at Option: rubber to the road (oefenen). I’ve been holding on to many beliefs for a long time (e.g. “self-judgments are useful”), so I’m really excited to enter the world again with new tools, new understandings and new beliefs. It’s time for new challenges, so I can put it the lessons into practice and solidify the changes I made. Now that I’m more self-aware and loving myself for whatever I’m doing and for where I am in my learning process, I can just remind myself of the lessons I learned and ask myself some questions about my unhappiness or discomfort (e.g. asking myself how the self-judgment is serving/helping me when I notice myself doing it).

I hope all of this makes any sense to you, and if not… doesn’t matter! ‘cause it makes sense to me :-D
Here are some more Option concepts and things that I’ve learned. Some of them were familiar concepts that I got to understand better, integrate and solidify more for myself; others are quite new :) If you want to know more about any of it, let me know! I’d be happy to talk about it, because it will help me clarify and own it even more. 

• I am my own best expert: I know what’s best for me and I’ve got all the answers I need. And just as important: everybody else is their best expert… best of intentions
• I’m always in control of my own thoughts, feelings and behavior, just as everyone else is in control of theirs. By believing this, I give myself a way out, I give myself the opportunity to deal with things the way I want to. Taking this kind of ownership of what I’m thinking/feeling/doing is putting myself in control of myself; no one else can make me feel or do anything. They are just stimulus and I get to choose which beliefs to hold = how I want to respond. This doesn’t mean I have to be happy all the time, as long as I’m acknowledging that it is me doing anger, frustration or sadness, then it’s also me that can get me out of it.  
• I’m always doing what I want to be doing, even if it’s just 51% of me. Plus: I’m always doing everything with the best of intentions (for myself). In general you do the things you do because you believe they’ll protect you, keep you safe. Even though I thought I didn’t want to be judging myself (cause it made me feel miserable); or I didn’t want to stay in an annoying conversation any longer for example, I still did it. I did it because at least 51% of me believed it to be useful or the right thing to do: to motivate myself to do better next time, or because I believed the other person would get hurt and not like me anymore when I’d step out of the conversation. Now that I believe there’s always a good reason (underlying belief) for my feelings and behaviors, I can start exploring it and change it. I can ask myself the question: Why am I thinking/feeling/doing this? How is this serving me?
• By taking on these 3 perspectives together, I created a truly liberating experience for myself, because hey: I don’t have to try saving the world anymore, because I can’t! :) I can only control what I’m doing and I can’t make anyone else do anything. I can be an inspiration and source of support to them, sure, but other people can only change themselves. The challenge now of course is to keep reminding myself to this lesson in daily situations (because sometimes it still feels ‘easier’ to believe I can make people change) ;)

• Key to me was the concept of “not being attached to the outcome”. If I need something, I’m making that something a condition for my happiness (“I need to be a good student/be skinnier/be better at what I do” or “I need him to be nicer/her to love me/them to stop doing that”). I’m attached to the outcome: when I don’t get it or don’t succeed at it, I’ll feel unhappy. When I’m not attached to the outcome, I can still want many things, but I can also be happy and comfortable when I don’t get or achieve them  à
• It’s about the journey, not the end goal. To see everything that comes into your life as a gift and opportunity to learn.
• Being present!! All our unhappiness is coming from worries/fears/doubts etc. about the future (“futurizing”) and the past.
• Attitude trumps everything! What I really loved about Option was the great deal of attention that is given to creating a loving, accepting, non-directive, non-judgmental, authentic and open attitude.
• Focusing on what I want, not on the lacking of it (the thing that I don’t have/can’t do yet, the thing that gave birth to the want).
• Getting more specific on my ‘wants’, so I can take action and move towards them.
• I don’t need to make issues that are important to me very serious and ‘heavy’ in order to deal with them in a ‘good’ way. It’s actually much more productive and fun when I work on it without ‘amplifying’ them J
• ‘To love/being loving’ and ‘to be loved’ do not have to be inextricably connected! When I love, I give myself a wonderful feeling. I don’t need other people to love me in order to love them… I’m just going to love them, because it makes me feel good! (oh, and coming from a loving place inside will most likely also allow me to be nicer to everyone ;))
• Creating an intention is very helpful. How do I want to be/feel/act in this situation, with this person, and in general.
• Seeing everyone as a teacher.
• Projections. “If you spot it you got it” means that what you judge in other people oftentimes is something that you judge in yourself. Being curious about the judgments I have about others allows me to learn about the judgments about myself (hence, things to work on). Projecting can also mean that you’re directing some -old- beliefs and feelings to a person that has nothing to with what gets triggered inside of you. The beliefs and feelings are stemming from past experiences with other people and I found it useful to look at who/what my feelings were really related to, so I could ‘solve’ the original trigger.
• Welcoming judgments. When somebody else is judging me I can check-in with myself: does it land inside of me? Does it change the way I think or feel? When it lands, part of me believes it’s true and I can take the opportunity to clarify what belief I hold about myself and if I want to change it. If it doesn’t land, then it’s only telling me something about the other person and I can get to know them better.
• Happiness is not black/white, it’s a continuum! I can also be happy about feeling a little down or sad at times :)
• I can love and accept myself!! And I’ll keep exploring and expanding this!

All in all it was a fantastic and incredibly valuable experience. Thanks to all the wonderful people I met, it unexpectedly turned into a sort of soul searching... no wait, a soul discovering and exploration journey :D
I opened many new doors for myself and I’m really excited to explore more and more! 

Although some if them might have already unhooked from this long mind rattle, I want to thank everyone I met at Option from the bottom of my heart for all the LOVE, openness, wisdom, willingness to learn, honesty, questions, sharing and FUN! I’m so grateful for the time we spent together!!
Coming from different staff members, the sincere comment about us being a truly special group of volunteers only affirmed what I felt even more: it’s a true blessing to have been part of such a cohesive and inspiring group of people… I’ll never forget the rituals, yoga evenings, meditations, full moon ceremony, dancing, going out for dinner, sledding, snowshoeing, laughter and singing in the kitchen, shoveling at 6am, karaoke, weird American habits (something with peanut butter), late night talks, energy flows and laundry trips to Great Barrington.

And remember: if any of you ever make it to the Netherlands, be sure to let me know so I can show you my beautiful city Utrecht.

Also to all my other dear friends and family:
Thank you, I love you!